Go Us

Celebrating the graduate… and the mom

We are so good at celebrating other people and rarely take a second to celebrate ourselves. We set goals, work toward them, and as soon as we arrive… we are on to the next one. What kind of business are we running with no days off, no celebration of accomplishments, no time spent acknowledging the work, the growth, the becoming? Sounds like a bad employer to me. Oh yea… it is me.

At this moment I am traveling to New Orleans for my daughter’s graduation. This is a huge deal… and it is worth celebrating.

There were days… let’s be honest… months… when I was worried about what college she would get into and how she would survive her freshman fall in another country with a roommate who preferred to be naked. I spent walks thinking about how she would make her way at Tulane… would she find her spot on the sailing team, would she make friends. And the housing… the worst. You have to find your roommate before you have found a friend. Those moments were stressful.

And she did it… somehow they all do. They make friends, build relationships, make good times better and fumble their way through the bad ones.

I want to celebrate the achievements of the graduates, but let’s not forget the role of the emotional support mom… a near impossible task. We took phone calls at all times of the day… leaving restaurants, answering texts in the middle of the night, interrupting movies, conversations, vacations. Some of them were funny and celebratory, but many of them were crying… even a few where crying would have been better.

Many of us spent freshman year on the phone as they walked to class so they didn’t feel alone. We shared meals virtually. And then it became easier… more celebrations, more detailed accounts of great nights. They no longer needed us to fill a void, just a listening ear.

I don’t think the job as a mom is done, but I want to take a minute and actually celebrate this milestone as a mom. Go us.

I made some huge mistakes and offered some great guidance. Her freshman fall… living with a nudist, a 45 minute train ride away from the city, in a long term hotel… and I kept telling her to hang in there. I should have told her it was temporary… the loneliness, the homesickness, the hard. I should have told her it would pass, that these feelings are normal and it is normal to feel this way. But I didn’t. I told her to push through, to be strong. This will make you stronger… you will laugh at this one day. And she will.

What I have learned, being on the other end of the phone for a child in college…

Be the lighthouse. A safe harbor for their rocky waves of emotion… the space that allows their nervous system to relax. This one is huge… and a near impossible task to not feel their distress.

Have confidence in them, in their decisions. What they really need to hear is… I know this is hard and you are going to get through it. But Moms need to believe it first, because they believe what you believe.

When they call emotional, don’t add to the fire… pull up a chair.

They don’t want advice. My favorite question… what’s my job here… to listen or to offer advice? They almost always choose listen.

Don’t judge them or their friends.

Did I do this all the time? Absolutely not. But don’t worry… I have two more daughters and two more chances.